I Didn’t Plan To Be A Father Alone

Whew. Aight.

Writing something like this took a lot of vulnerability. Worried about what would be said afterwards. Who would think what? Who would see it? Who would care to read an excerpt of my life when so much in the world is happening right now? I can't say what the outcome will be, maybe a sense of peace, but moreover a chance of my son growing up in a stable, healthy environment. I can't help but think that if certain things happened the other way around, how would it look, probably typical. Man leaves woman w/ kid to go "experience life and find love" .. well ... in some ways it's funny because being on the other side of it, is wild. 

Again, Whew.

I never pushed or dreamed about being a father. Let alone a single one. Truth is I was scared as hell of that responsibility. Commitment to something of that magnitude seemed overwhelming.

 I remember seeing my mom go through it, including friends and family. I told myself (like that was going to make a difference) that my experience into fatherhood would be different if it came my way. Being exposed to what was a split household growing up, I didn't want that for my child. Listen, I'm sure there's some amazing step parents and beautiful Disney story situations out there. I just didn't get that growing up. So I made the mindset to be different.

The definition to manifest something means in short to visualize your desires and dreams, and make them come true. When it came to what that looked like, relationship/love wise, I had a few things in mind.

1. To love/be loved unconditionally and out loud.

2. To be faithful to one another (easy enough right) 

3. To be a protector and a provider.

4. To big up and support all that she is and wants to be.

5. If the opportunity presented itself in the form of fatherhood, to be a part of an atmosphere full of transparency. 

What I didn't expect was for that to be one-sided. What I didn't expect was for me to be the placement for someone else's side desires, motives and their own manifestations. What I didn't expect was to ironically be involved in a scenario that I thought would never happen. After all, I did the work right? I made the sacrifices necessary, learned of emotional availability, and said vows. But as Queen Beyoncé reminded me, "Every Promise Don't Work Out That Way.”

 Anyways, that ain't where we're going with this. 

Nile Hassan Bridgman V, aka "5", came into the world on 1/6/18. Since that day I took it upon myself to be there physically and mentally. Although it didn't work out with his mother and I, I vowed to him to never let that be an excuse as to why I couldn't be present. But everyday, as any parent knows, ain't all likes on IG pictures. I found out the burden that not just my mom went through, but countless parents (mostly women, but we gon keep it neutral for yall triggered folks) deal with. It's crazy because just like myself, my son, didn't ask to be here. So now that he is, it's on me to do what's needed, in communication with his mother, to grow this little human into the free minded black boy he deserves to be.

 In the form of divorce, I hate that I had to take it on the chin for something I put my all into. It really was all good, till it went bad. In the form of parenting, I don't call myself a dad, but simply Nile's father. I'm learning from him just as much as he is learning from me everyday. And everyday is a different set of emotions from both him and I.

 It's been some teary nights where I questioned myself, if I am really equipped for this. I thank God for my village who has shown up and shown out for my son in ways I couldn't imagine. I thank God for therapy and my therapist who has helped me put into words what I feel (get you a feelings wheel if you ain't got one - google it). In addition to, helping me identify triggers.

I had to calm myself down from comparing my son to other kids and knowing that he is special and going to be special in his own way. He has provided a reason in my life and I say that carefully. Because he's not the sole reason of why I now exist, but the mindset of what beautiful things can be created with focus and love. 

In all, fatherhood to me means being present. To be available and to listen. To help/teach in the struggle. To embrace/support in success. Be an open mind to change. Be a calm voice when needed, but always be ready if it's code red. For me, I have to be more to Nile then what my father was/wasn’t to me.

Ultimately navigating fatherhood after divorce is still ongoing. It's still fresh, for me anyway. I've had to really buckle down on separating my feelings for what was and stay locked in on what is. Because that can cause bitterness if you let it, and that then affects how I engage with his mother. It's hard, because again, actions for me were sincere and faithful, and when you aren't met with the same actions, it changes your perception of who you are dealing with. But no matter what, Nile will know who his mother is to him vs who she was to me.

Maternal instinct is intended to refer to the sense of gravitational pull a mother feels to her child, and her child's welfare. It is often relied upon to ensure the safety and security of a child. As Nile's father, I've definitely had to reach out into my village of Black women I know. They have been great resources for questions and also ideas. I've had to force myself to be vulnerable and ask real questions, look up various Black parenting groups and really dig into his developmental traits. Teaching him the importance of knowing his emotions, telling him it's okay to cry. Putting out the energy that he can be whatever he wants to be. Teaching him breathing when he's upset. Asking him open ended questions that force him to think. I can't lie, Niles mom is decorated in her own right with various knowledge and resources. Hopefully we can build on a new version of trust.

Ultimately my advice to those entering fatherhood is:

1. Be true to yourself. It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to cry. It's okay to not know what to do. You'd be surprised how much you learn by just sitting in those moments.

 2. Have a relationship with the mother of the child if at all possible. Full transparency. Nile was made with love and Lord willing will continue to grow through the both of us with that. That shit hurts what I went through, but that doesn't have anything to do with my son. 

3. No matter it be boy or girl, raise your seed the same way. There's obviously a distinction between the two, but don't let that be a reason you can't throw the football with your daughter or have a tea time with your son.

4. That child didn't ask to be here. So if you know you're in over your head, do what's necessary to get back balanced (village, therapist, prayer, Journaling, wee..nvm that last one).