I Call You “Son” Cause You Shine Like One
First and foremost, allow me to get rid of some of the stigma around being an additional parent. Let’s start with a few quotes “I’m not a step-father, I’m the father that stepped up”, “You ain’t my daddy”, “You can’t love a child that is not your own”, “You a chump if you take care of her kids” etc. etc. etc.
Like some of my peers, I grew up with divorced/single parents, so I was team, “You’re not my dad” with any man my mama dated. I would not give them an honest chance, because I knew who my father was, and I had a relationship with him. Now picture me growing up this way and marrying someone with a child.
I always thought to myself that I would probably get married in my mid-late 20’s and have my first child maybe a year or two into marriage. To be as transparent as possible, I stuck to that plan until my mid 20’s and after a few failed relationships, I threw it away. Can you imagine if I stuck with that plan? I wouldn’t be married, and I wouldn’t have this uber-talented son of mine.
“There’s no perfect time or plan to start parenthood”
When my wife and I started dating, I was aware of her son as we had been friends for close to a decade before dating. I understood that she was an amazing mother and that she was more than capable of taking care of him on her own without my help. Lord, I was so happy about this as it allowed me to learn how to be a parent at my own pace. To be transparent again I wasn’t ready, I wasn’t prepared, but I was determined to be the best addition to her and Mel’s life.
“Establishing a Safe Space”
The first thing I told myself, my wife and Mel was that I’m not here to replace anyone, but I am here to add value to your life. I wanted to attack the “You’re not my dad” narrative right off the bat. This was important to me because Mel was at an age where he was aware of his parents and himself.
My # 1 goal with Mel was to establish my relationship with him. So, the first thing my wife and I got rid of with Mel was the term “Step-father” as we felt it creates a natural barrier between you and the child. Before you ask, Mel calls me “Curtis” as I requested it long before my wife and I got married. I didn’t want him to solely think of me as an authoritative figure, I wanted him to be able to trust me and then formulate his own label. This is something that I felt the men who dated my mom always forgot to do, so I wanted to make sure that I created a space where we could teach each other on a level playing field. Notice I said teach, because every child is different, and you must learn from them just as they must learn from you.
“Learning Carmelo”
Once we established the foundation of our relationship, Mel and I were off to the races. Starting with his favorite Ninja Turtle (Leonardo, then Donnie, then Michelangelo), to his favorite foods (Chicken Tenders), to his favorite hobby (Drawing), I learned everything possible about him. We connected on the nostalgia of Ninja Turtles then I taught him some new drawing techniques because “I’m an artist, and I’m sensitive about my ish”.
Mel and I established a bond that some parents would be jealous of, but it wasn’t all sunshine and roses. There have been times where I didn’t feel comfortable reprimanding him because “I wasn’t his father” and I didn’t want to overstep my parental duties. It’s easy being a child’s friend, but it is hard being a child’s parent, especially when you’re not it biologically. I would often speak to my wife and say, “I don’t feel comfortable disciplining him or telling him this without you here”, but she was always so supportive and urged me to continue to learn. I had to learn how to speak to Mel, not in an English/Spanish type of way, but in a I’m not hurting your feelings type of way. Understanding that the way you say things to him is more important than what you’re saying. “You can’t simply copy/paste how you were parented onto your children”. Mel is different from how I was as a child, so it was difficult for me to understand why he was emotional at times I felt he shouldn’t be.
“Becoming a Father”
Now that the hard part is out the way (LOL), let’s get into the fun stuff. Parenting Mel has been an amazing experience. We are now 6 years in the game and it’s weird to see him pick up my attributes and mannerisms. This is something I didn’t think was possible in the beginning of our relationship, but here we are. It’s annoying at times, but my wife always says, “He acts just like you, that’s why you get upset” and all I can do is laugh.
I’ve become the “Track Dad” at all his track meets recording all his races. I’ve become the “Don’t tell your mama” Dad - anytime we sneak out and get ice cream or visit the candy store while she’s getting her hair done. I’ve become the “You know better than that” Dad - when he does something wrong or breaks something. It’s weird to me because I’ve just become a father who he calls “Curtis”, but I wouldn’t change that for the world.
To Carmelo, I hope you remember our journey until you’re old and grey. It’s been a pleasure to be in your life as your ‘Bonus Parent’, just don’t call me 2nd dad ever again, because that has a different definition today. (LOL) Love you man *In my Will Smith voice*!
