Life Does Not Come With Instructions, That's Why We Have Fathers
I would first like to start by saying if you are fathering a child, whether biological or not. In-home or not. If you are fathering a child, your contributions to humanity are invaluable. You are somebody's hero, never take that responsibility lightly, and never allow the world to make you feel unbefitting.
I can remember vividly, the moment I first learned I would be a father and the moment it first dawned on me that I had a serious part to play in someone else's life. Everything in between is mush but it started like this. I was a 19 year old sophomore in college. I found out I would have a baby soon and immediately reached out to my father, cause after all I didn't know the first thing about being one. Conversation went like this:
Me: I got a baby on the way and I'm scared, cause I don't know how to be somebody's daddy”.
Pops: “You'll be alright just do what I did”
Me: “Alright”
*click*
I think my father is a great man, but at the moment my mind went blank, because I knew for sure that me becoming a well for gifts and money wasn't the move. Now fast forward about 22 months later. I was riding with my oldest child, she was only a year and half old, but spoke very well and clearly when it came to expressing her wants. We were riding through downtown Little Rock when she said three words I’ll never forget, “Daddy, I'm hungry” (this is the exact moment I realized I was a parent). My immediate thought to myself was like, “Damn you trifling, you ain't even fed your daughter”. The truth was, I was hungry too, literally had a bag of change to my name. Went to McDonalds and barely afforded one happy meal. I let my baby eat, then I ate what she did not finish. That was like the best and worst day of fatherhood for me. Because I had to be real with myself about where my life was headed, how I was moving and how it affected my daughter, thus I stepped into my greatest responsibility to date, fatherhood. Needless to say I put myself in a better position as a provider, but providing financially is honestly a minimalist task. If you have a responsibility in the form of a child, food and shelter should never be in question or an issue. So, my sincerest hope is that any young man reading this and perhaps you have no children but will be someone's father in future, whether planned or unplanned, it’s time to start planning.
Financially, being able to provide for your children, it feels great, but it’s not the most important thing. I would subjectively say that the most important thing you can do for your children is be present and I do mean perfect attendance. When I was growing up my mom and I had three rules; (1) stay alive (2)stay out of jail (3)stay employed, in that order, and that's my foundation of presence for my children. Now being married and having three more children who live with me and my oldest daughter live four hours away in Houston, presence has a whole different meaning to me. This is just me being candid, there are times where I feel guilty, like I can't or I'm not being a true father to my oldest because she doesn't live with me. But I ultimately realized that it was just me projecting my own feelings about how I grew up on my daughter. How do I know, because I asked her. I want to advise, especially for fathers of daughters, the more patient you are with your daughter, the more they will talk to you, because in reality, especially in those childhood years, you are her comfort zone.
I don't regard myself as a co-parent, I'm okay with saying that. Co-parenting to me is literally both parents making every decision concerning their child or children together, a great concept but not my experience. I do however believe that her mother and I trust each other enough to make the best decisions for her when she is in our care. That’s important, but I do consider myself a present parent. Fathering a child from a distance can be challenging, you will miss milestones in their life and it's inevitable that they will notice, whether noticeable or not, they will be affected by this. I am so grateful that technology is as advanced as it is in the world we live in today. Outside of facetime daily often several times throughout the day. I do very subtle things to make sure my daughter feels my presence, things like send her doordash of her favorite treats, she is in second grade now and learning to read and write so I write her letters and prompt her to write me back, this allows me to have meaningful conversations with her as well as help her grow academically. She has become fond of drawing in the past year so I send her pictures and since she loves ballet, I often send her music through itunes and youtube links to ballet videos.
Share below if you have any tips for other fathers to see. My greatest recommendation is that you always do something, on a daily basis to reassure your presence in your child's life. You may have moments of guilt and anxiety as it relates to not physically being near them but speak to them about it, I find it easier to present questions in a playful manner especially for younger children. For example, you may ask, “What are some things you enjoy about spending time with daddy that you may not get to do with mommy?” Remember, kids say the darndest things, but listen to every word in these responses, value their responses, 9 times out of 10, they’ll make it clear what they need more of from you and what you are doing great. I find these subtle exchanges extremely eye opening and comforting. And if you really find yourself getting down about the situation, remember it’s 2021 and therapy is never a bad idea, for any issue you may be facing.
3 under 3 / 4 for 4
“The journey is never ending. There's always going to be growth, improvement, adversity; you just gotta take it all in and do what's right, continue to grow, continue to live in the moment.” People always make comments along the lines of, “4 kids, how do you do it?” The reality is yes, my life got real real, real quick, but I don't believe it's proper to say I was or wasn't ready. The thing about responsibility is, it's yours to claim. If you can acknowledge and accept responsibility, you can handle it. So was I ready? Who knows, ready is subjective, three babies in three years will flip your world inside out (Don't tell Simone but I planned it like that real talk), but from day one I was always prepared to meet the obligations necessary for fathering children so I’d say to anybody to put your focus there. If you are active and present, you'll only get better day after day. I think it sounds difficult to those on the outside, who don't or can't share the experience. And I believe my experience even as a father is very different from my wifes as a mother, afterall, I didn't have to carry three children back-to-back-to-back. Though I will say Men can have postpartum effects from becoming new fathers, at the end of the day I feel like all I had to do each time was receive my child and love them. If anything bearing witness to each pregnancy and delivery sent me into new depths of woman/mother hood, If it's anything I wasn't ready for it was that delivery room action.
One thing for certain, each child has increased my capacity to love and grow. Joshua and Sebastian, my sons, I tell them often that I wish all of my friends were like them. It’s because they build me up so much and so effortlessly. I move a piece of furniture and they are like, ‘WOW DADDY YOU STRONG LIKE THE HULK!!” And they are really having me out here believing I got hulk strength. But what I'm saying is when somebody believes in you like that, and you can look at them and see it and feel it everyday. Why wouldn't you want to be the absolute best you that you can be? And rationally, I give them that same energy back. One of the biggest things that I learned as a father that I could never grasp before being a father is how and why really young people can have immensely huge confidence. I do think it's many outliers, but for the vast majority of people, and I'm sure it's some research somewhere that agrees with this, children learn confidence from their dads. (Read that again). And that's my whole plight, is raising beautiful confident babies. Pride and confidence are different. I understand this cause in our communities especially, it’s plenty of people with pride, we all got pride and I’m not saying it's a negative thing because it's beneficial in a lot of situations but confidence is something different. Confidence is self-assurance, that comes from knowing who you are and that knowledge comes from a source or an origin or a...father. Y'all wanna know one secret in my brain? It's the only thing ever in my life I ever was jealous of, when I was growing up I was jealous of every boy that lived with their daddy. Nah I wasn't no hater, I just felt a way, I’m just saying it was something about it. I found out when I was grown, it was confidence, no matter if they were rich or poor or what, that's how I know pride and confidence are different.
My biggest shift in the way I feel about being a father with all my children so young and close in age, actually came after Simea was born. It could be psychological, maybe having Jeuce and Bash didn't affect as much because they are boys. It’s like having shadows, shadows that reflect, and make you more and more aware of yourself. But one huge change that I never recall feeling before in life, something that I’ve felt daily since Simea was born, I don't think I ever knew what it felt like to be nervous or anxious but for some reason I am always having anxiety related to my kids. I can't be sure if it comes from the pandemic, or it being so many things going on in the world. I get up and go to work in the morning, I have four children in four different locations, Jahzara, Joshua and Sebastian all in different schools at different locations and Simea, wherever Simone is for the most part. When I tell you absolutely nothing in my life has been this unsettling. I really worry that as they get older this is only going to amplify in me, for example I know they are tiny people now but one day I’ll have four teens and I’m absolutely appalled by the thought of it. These are the challenges for me. Worrying about their safety in my absence, if they ever feel alone or anything like that. As far as time goes, I don't really miss “my life before kids”, honestly it was really unproductive. Now that I'm taking care of little people on a daily basis I feel like fatherhood should've been the move the whole time.
The absolute truth is there is no perfect way to parent. Everyday is a new day and while you learn some things along the way, there will always be a new situation, a new worry as a parent, and just as children grow we grow parallel as parents. I'm certain my children have taught me just as much in the last 8 years as I have taught them. The objective is to get better at being a father every single day, to be a better listener, to be more proactive and most importantly a better example. Your children will literally become what you pour into them, so watch your words and gestures in times of frustration, watch your words and actions when you think they aren't watching and include them in as much as you can. As a father I find it imperative to include them as much as possible, feeding their curiosity has become a hobby of mine. I include them in projects around the house (even if it adds hours to the completion time), let them pick out flowers for their mother, let them re-organize the cabinets, water the grass, paint pictures, build, break, destroy it don't matter(to me), but always feed their curiosity, I feel like it's important that we understand we are the primary influences in the lives of our children, especially our sons because there are so many influences in the world and while I know they will make there own decisions in life, personally. And I mean this, just me personally, I feel that if they grow up and they not s***It's nobody's fault but my own. Lastly, when it comes to your children, always, always, always, meet every responsibility concerning them. Remember you are their hero, whether you signed up for it or not, they certainly didn't and they need you in every way.
FAVORITE THINGS I DO WITH MY KIDS
Tell your kids you are proud of them every single chance you get, even if they are not behaving the way you think they should. Tell ‘em everyday!!
2 things I love to see my kids doing, eating and sleeping. When they eat it just makes me feel good, sit down and eat with them, Sebastian my favorite eating partner, we both be dancing on that first bite of a good meal. Also, cause eating with my grandaddy like my favorite thing from childhood. Idk why, we just be digging in. I like to see the kids sleeping cause they just be so peaceful and innocent. I just be watching em lol.
Read them books and tell them stories, Jahzara like magic and enchanted stories, Juice absolutely love the big bad wolf (forget the pigs), Bash like any story where his name is the main character and Simea like a lot of Onomatopoeia in her stories lol.
Dance parties, whether its slow jams or karaoke or we standing on the
Happy Father’s Day to all of the heroes!!
