Chapter 1: The Introduction
When I reflect on the reason I started my PhD program, it goes back to my need to constantly chase something that seems damn near impossible. It was always a question of “what’s next?” And what was next for me depended on whatever seemed too difficult to consider at that moment in my life. I have always struggled with enjoying the things I've prayed for. There was a photo going around social media a couple of weeks ago that said, "don't forget that you are living the dreams you used to pray about" and it hit me like a mf.
Like I forreal be living in an answered prayer thinking about what's next. Crazy.
I grew up as the “golden child.” My grandma always told me, “Monie you’re going to be something one day.” She was never specific. But she never failed to remind me that the “something” I could be, was limitless. Reading this, you may think, wow this was motivating. And don’t get me wrong, my grandma’s faith in my future is why I’m here. But it also caused me to internalize the need to be perfect. I didn’t want to let her down. I didn’t want to let my mama down. My mama had me at 14, so statistically I was already supposed to have a rough childhood and future. That alone was supposed to create obstacles and barriers. Instead, my mama and grandma worked too hard to make those non-existent for me. They sacrificed so much so that I would never want for a thing. I put myself on a pedestal. I set the bar so high for myself that, honestly I felt like at times, was too damn high.
I still remember the conversation my grandma and I had when I told her I was pregnant with my eldest, Jeuce. “What about school?” See, the day before I found out I was pregnant, I found out that I was accepted to my PhD program. Her asking that, before anything else, let me know what mattered most to her—me being successful.
I’m also impulsive.
I don’t allow myself to be talked out of anything or consider the what ifs. I want something? I get it. I want to do something? I do it. My husband reminded me of a time I told him that I don’t plan for Plan Bs or Cs, because that takes energy away from what I could be putting into Plan A. If you exert all your energy into making Plan A happen, do you even have time to think about the others? That's how I think of everything I put my mind to. I am flexible and adaptable, but only as flexible and adaptable as Plan A allows me to be.
My plan was to graduate with my PhD by the time I’m 30. When I tweeted that on September 25, 2012, I didn’t even know what that meant. I didn't consider all of the time, money, sleepless nights, my grandma's death, kids, marriage, work, and just life lifin'. But, it was the highest degree you could be awarded, so why not? And for me, to say that, publicly, to tell people out loud, to write it down??? That means it was done—I had to make sure it happened. I couldn't let people down. I couldn't let myself down.
This journey was the most difficult thing I’ve ever completed in my life. I’ve never been in a situation where I couldn’t “figure it out.” But this program??? This. Ish. Right. Here??? Tested how about that academia life I really was. Articles were hard for me to comprehend on the first, second AND third read and there were also these big ass words that I had shame in needing to Google. Theories and ideas were extremely foreign to me. I felt so embarrassed and small sitting in those classes that had students who had been educational leaders for 20+ years. You know which word kicked my butt? I couldn’t pronounce “epistemology” (still can't without stumbling) let alone grasp the concept of what it meant. All I knew was that quantitative research dealt with numbers and I hated math; so, qualitative research it was.
And whoever told me that qualitative research was easier, lied.
When I think about what made me stick with it, it’s honestly all because I started. I hate quitting. I told too many people I was getting my PhD. My grandma passed away knowing I was beginning my program. I couldn’t quit. Going back to what I internalized about perfection, I couldn't let anyone down. I couldn't let myself down.
I am writing this five part collection of reflections as a parallel to the chapters of my dissertation. It is my hope to shed light into how difficult the last five years of my life and writing five chapters of a book have been, despite how easy I may have made it look on Instagram.
